Day 13: The Cold, Harsh and Cynical Winter

"I don't believe in devils, but indifference comes pretty close."

Winter break is five days in and I haven’t done anything of note.

I mean, beside from rewatching a show I have watched ten times, because every show is on break.

Or beside listening to Mr. Anderson on the Bozeman science website.

Or texting with like two friends, one of which sporadically answer.

I really hope your break is not as pathetic as mine is.

But hey, at least Christmas is coming, two more days that is.

The last three mornings, I tried to wake up as late as possible so that my cousins can leave the house before I wake up. Then at three I try to fall back to sleep so that I would avoid them when they come back. Is it bad that I’ve been avoiding interaction with them? Probably. It’s bad.

The relationship between me with my relatives isn’t what you would call good. It’s more like a favor kind of thing, where my mom would beg my aunt that my cousins take care of me. They at least do a bad job of it. I have tried many times and failed many times communicating with them and trying to build an environment where we can comfortably talk to each other without her yelling at me about how terrible a person I am. So I just succumbed to whatever she says because A.) My mom is asking me to and B) I would have to deal with her for the foreseeable years, so causing fights might not be a good way to go about.

But you know, the opposite of love isn’t hate, but indifference. In that sense, she has demonstrated exactly why we have the problems we have. Once people are indifferent, you cannot change them, because at the base of it, they won’t care.

Many of us made the same mistake, that sometimes, we care too much for somebody, that we put effort in to build a relationship with them, only for them to blow off and walk away indifferently. It’s better to realize it sooner rather than later. You can only do so much and if that person isn’t responding to your effort, it’s time for you to not waste your time and follow whatever they want. If they don’t want you in your life, maybe you shouldn’t try to be there in the first place.

Several entries ago, I ask would things ever blow up again to my face. I am on the edge of determine that.

Don’t ever be indifferent.

It hurts.

Truly,