Day 11: Sorry
"Saying sorry doesn't always mean that you're wrong. Sometimes it means that you value the relationship more than the argument."
Greetings,
I literally spend half of my time
today thinking about yesterday, the day before that, and many more yesterdays I
can recall. I realize then that I’m a monster, that I’m not a better person
than most people, and certainly not better than you who are reading. Sometimes,
I take pride in what I do. I think logically. Mean it or not, I hurt people. I
intruded them. I made them feel uncomfortable. But I rarely was able to say
sorry, not to their face.
All of us want to survive. So when
others attack us, intentionally or not, our first instinct is to counter that
threat. We don’t think straight. Even I can’t think straight. Then we thought
of all the reasons in the world to defend ourselves, to justify what we do is
necessary and to avoid the feeling of guilt. In some ways, we are assuring
ourselves yet running away from the problems we face. That’s instinctive. I don’t
think people can change unless they meditate everyday. Maybe I should meditate
everyday.
But this is the real purpose of
this entry. Here I go:
I’M SORRY:
Mom and Dad: for not always
appreciate the talk and relationship with you. I know you two love me although
I might not feel it or you do it differently from most people. I learned a lot
from being taught the way I was and I should appreciate it.
Kari: for not being the best cousin
I can be for you. I always tease you and see myself superior and right, which
cause so many fights that you always end up crying. I love you and I hope you
succeed in life
Sister: for all the responsibility
you had to carry when our parents let it all out on you instead of me. I always
know you have the capability to do whatever you want.
Roxy, Wendy, Shelly, Kristie,
Wayne, Larry: for being the most annoying ass ever. We all have our ups and
downs and now we’re not as connected anymore, but the memories stick with me no
matter what
Tina: for not respecting you and
trust you enough to build a better relationship. I hope whatever you do you’re
happy.
Robert: for causing so many sticky
situation and involving you in things that you might not want to be involve.
Also for being stubborn every. Single. Time.
Jeffrey: for not really being there
and putting in enough effort when you need me there. Although you could just,
you know, stop being a baby :)
Jackie: for what happened,
everything, from the first day I saw you. You’re a great person now and I can’t
wait to tell you that.
Tiffany: for not reaching out more
when you were in a bad situation. For being a coward that shy away from people
and I hope you’re happy now.
Alena: So much I can apologize and
I don’t know where to start… Guess I’ll just leave you hanging here then.
Krisi: So much I can apologize…So
much I can apologize again… For intruding your life. For losing your trust. For
causing you discomfort. For causing you to be insecure. For stirring up your
memories. For everything else that you hold that I violated.
*******: For not doing what I could
have done. The guilt is still burning me. I still blame myself for what
happened, that I could have reached out more and understood you better. I
couldn’t. I was a child who didn’t pay attention about what happened around me.
I’m sorry. For everyday I heard your piano sound and your voice but I couldn’t
imagine how difficult it was for you to hear all that lovely sound. For
everyday I was with you but couldn’t notice your bruises. For everyday I saw
you but couldn’t figure out why you suffered what you did. I knew it wasn’t on
me. But I could have done something. I could have. But I didn’t. So my most
sincere apology is for you, that you can stop the suffering wherever you are,
if you still are on this Earth. You’ll always be my first girl and nothing
could change that.
I’m sorry.
I know that I let you down.
But is it too late to say sorry
now?
Love,
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