Day 36: The Rotten Mac n Cheese Plate

Do you know what self-destructive mean?

Imagine you are given your absolute favorite kind of food in the whole world, say, umm, Mac n Cheese? Your mom got you this delicious plate. The smell and the color and the taste would be so good you might not believe if it’s real.

Done imagine?

Imagine then you throw that plate away!

Ladies and gentlemen, self-destruction.

Obviously there are many things going on between getting the Mac n Cheese and throwing it away. I will explain. You got the best plate of Mac n Cheese in the world. Normal people would eat it. But no, you’re not normal people. You’re a visionary. You want to save the best for last. You want to save it because you know there won’t be another Mac n Cheese this good come your way. So you put it in the fridge and telling yourself you will enjoy it slowly but happily.

But part of you want it now. This part of you crave for this plate of Mac n Cheese, the best plate you have had. The only way to restrain this crave is to force yourself to ignore it. You exhaust yourself with something else. You joke and laugh and ignore the plate that is in your fridge that is yours.

Before you know it, a week has passed. The period of time when you try to ignore the Mac n Cheese, to exhaust yourself, to distract it, to stop yourself from eating it. One day, you open your fridge. The Mac n Cheese is not the best Mac n Cheese anymore. It’s barely even a plate of Mac n Cheese. It’s pretty much not edible.

You have no choice but throw it away. Your best Mac n Cheese that you never had.

Self-destruction in a way, is just like that. Replace Mac n Cheese with any good things that could happen to you and there you have it. In short, you always find a way to turn good thing into horrible memories. You manage to fuck every good thing that can happen in your life up. Every fucking thing!

Why?

Because you never had good things in your life!

You never know how to deal with it!

You blame yourself because you know better! You know better but you still do it! You’re stupid! You’re stubborn! You’re a moron and an idiot! You know better! You know your Mac n Cheese is going to go bad. You know you can’t cross the street when it’s not your turn. You know you can’t play ball when you’re sick and about to collapse. You know you shouldn’t have feelings. You know all of that, and more.

You’re just afraid to deal with it!

The thing is, it’s only going to get worse. You’re gonna be stuck in a circle that will never end. You turn something good into something bad. So when the next good thing come, you still have no clue how to deal with it. You’d still do the same thing, even though you know better. You always know better. Then you will go back to self-destruction.

I hope one day you get out of this cycle. I hope one day you find a way to eat your Mac n Cheese. I hope one day you find a way to not let your good thing slip through. I hope one day you find a way not to fuck everything you have up. I hope one day you know how to deal with good things.

Just don’t ask me.

Because I still haven’t gotten out of that damn cycle.

I don’t know if I will.

Now, where’s my next plate of Mac n Cheese?

                                                                                                                                       Love,

                                                                                                                                       Denny