Day 35: More than just numbers

"You are more imporant than these numbers"

I’ll be the first to say that I am fascinated by numbers. I know. I’m such a nerd, right? I love how they work, how they lead me to a crystal clear result, how they represent everything. Sometimes, all it takes for me to understand the world are numbers.
I happen to be decent at math. I might have finished the whole high school math by junior year and I might be getting nearly perfect score in my math class now. I might do data analysis for actual sport blog and I might be learning sabermetrics while everyone still doesn’t understand how to play baseball. I like everything numeric.

Numbers can define a lot of things: velocity of a car, aerodynamic force on a rocket, performance of a baseball player, probability of an illness, the rate of poverty, the state of climate change (that Trump obviously thinks it’s a hoax caused by China??). Numbers can tell you stories. So I’m going to use numbers to tell you why I’m more than the numbers that define me.

Let me tell you about the numbers that define me.

I failed the entrance exam to one of the prestigious middle school in my country. I was disappointed. My family was disappointed. I missed the cut off by 0.25.

I always aim to be the top of my class. I was a huge nerd. All I saw in front of me was the next homework, the next project, the next exams, the next prestigious high school. All I wanted to be was number 1. Eventually I was number 1, for all of three years in middle school.

A little more than four years ago, I was reviewing for my high school entrance exam. Everyone was busy, but no one was busier than I was. I was never the most outgoing person, but it felt like I didn’t step foot outside of my house. I didn’t want to. I only had one goal ahead of me. Get that perfect score to get into the perfect school. Then the perfect college. Then the perfect job. Then the perfect house. Then the perfect family. But I learned the hardest and most unforgettable lesson that summer.

Life rarely goes perfectly.

The only thing perfect was how vividly I remember that day.

April 20^th, 2012

And I remember another day after that.

May 24^th, 2012

I made my decision to leave. I fell into my depression shortly after. I thought focusing on school was the only way to go, that if I occupied myself enough everything will just pass. I spend my time, effort and energy into that 4.0 GPA.

But it never passed. My mental health and everything were deteriorating. I couldn’t pretend that school is the most important thing to me anymore. Or second. Or third.

See, the thing is, forty years from now, no one cares if you get that 4.0 GPA in your freshman year. In order to achieve your dreams, you actually have to live until then first. With the ways things were going, I was certainly going to continue hurting myself. I won’t live until the day my dreams come true.

I love numbers. I absolutely love them. But I don’t think they can define human, our values, our personalities and our interactions. That 0.25 point I missed didn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough. The number 1 rank I got didn’t mean I was the best. My ACT score didn’t show you how capable I am. My height, my age, my grade,… all of which does not show you how I am.

Don’t prioritize your numbers before something more important.

Your mental health.

Your emotions.

Your friendships.

Your values.

Those will last with you.

Some numbers won’t.

I hope you learn it the easier way than I did.

                                                                                                                                       Sincerely,