Day 48: Letter to My Younger Self: Don't look back
This is it.
The day has come.
Tomorrow, you are going to enter
the Saigon International Airport with a passport, a backpack, and three
suitcases. You are going to wait in line for check-in, with your ears listening
to “Daylight” by Maroon 5 and hoping the sun will never rise. You will be dying
to wish you can just stay, with everything you’ve ever known. No matter what
happened, you want to stay. You want to pretend everything is an illusion. And I
don’t blame you. Change is scary and you have every reason to fear.
Be scared.
But don’t look back.
Don’t stay.
You’re going to keep waiting in
that line, until the lady checks you in and you are going to say “My final
destination is Los Angeles, United States.” You can, and will say that. The con
is, that destination guarantees you nothing but uncertainty. You don’t know
anyone. You don’t know any place. You don’t even know if you’re going to
understand what’s going on. But just wait. I will tell you the pro.
The destination guarantees you
nothing but uncertainty.
And you need uncertainty.
Because in your heart, you are
gambling that uncertainty is better than your certainty. You don’t have to
admit that, not now. I’d be surprised if you can even term what you’re feeling,
you and your annoyingly slow emotional process. I know for sure what you were
feeling though, and you need to get on that plane.
Let me tell you what’s going to
happen. You won’t be able to sleep on the plane. You will arrive at Taiwan in
three hours, and you are going to stress yourself out trying to find where to
go. You look around and you can’t find any letters that you recognize except
arrows. You will follow that and go through security. But then you will get
lost again, by yourself, in a crowded place. You know you have to find the gate
of your connecting flight, but it isn’t there on the boarding pass. You will
realize you have to ask, but you don’t really know if you can. You will have
every reason to fear.
Be scared.
But don’t look back.
Just go.
You will speak your awkward English
and you will find your gate. You will board that plane to America. You, again,
won’t be able to sleep on that plane because the seat is shitty and there are
two fat guys sitting next to you so there will be no space to rest. You will
hate yourself, like you have done many times and continue to do. But
eventually, distracted by the video games on the seat, you will make it. You
will land in L.A. You will get lost again, like you have so many times and
continue to do. You will find a way, though, whether it through Custom or that
crazy shuttle service that isn’t even a thing in Vietnam. You will find your
way to the hotel, where you have to pay by yourself. You will have to get
dinner by yourself. You will have to cook instant noodles for yourself.
Two days after, you will have to
check out by yourself. You will, then, take a cab, along with your passport,
backpack and three suitcases, to your destination.
Somewhere, it read Villanova
Preparatory School. Slowly, the bronze gate open. It will open so many times
for you, but you will only remember this one time. You should soak it in. But
you can’t. I don’t blame you. You have every reason to fear.
Be scared.
But don’t look back.
Get ready.
What stands behind that gate will
test you. It won’t be what you were hoping when you leave your home. You will
find yourself in tears. You will find yourself stressed. You will find yourself
struggle with things you don’t even know exist. You will find yourself alone in
a crowded place. I would love to tell you it gets better, but I don’t know if
it will. You will be scared, and you have every reason to be.
Let me tell you something.
Denny, what you’re doing, right
then, tomorrow, when you catch that flight?
That’s what courage looks like.
Don’t look back.
All
the love,
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