Day 46: The things we do

"Sometimes, no matter how bad you want something, you gotta let it go."

Good morning,

As I’m writing this, it’s almost four in the morning. I have classes tomorrow, starting from 9 in the morning to 8 at night. No, I do not know how I’m gonna make it through that gauntlet of classes and life stuffs. I guess 5 cups of heavy expressos tomorrow might do the trick. Why the hell am I up at four in the morning anyways? Well, I mean, my sleeping schedule is complete shit right now, as a week of spring break will do that to you. But anyways, enough about that.

Sometimes I feel like a wizard, that I can see what exact things are going to happen. You know, a few posts ago, I said that if there ever a time where I choose to exit your life, that’s because it has taken so much toll that I gotta save myself. I might as well copy and paste that post here, but since that would be a waste of your time, I might as well write a new one. You know, the times when I can predict what exactly is going to happen, I mostly want to be wrong. That’s saying something, because I love being right. But just sometimes, you know, I really wish I am wrong.

But I’m right. Like usual. Damn.

I honestly do not know how to term my emotions right now. It’s just flying around my mind and honking loudly at my brain like your annoying friends who won’t let you sleep. Well, that sounds pathetic. But again, maybe I am pathetic, but we all are. I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore…

I’m amazed at the human machinery. It’s really a miracle that we can breathe in oxygen and do dozens of chemical reactions to get the energy to move the thousands of muscles cells in harmony to do work. But it’s a miracle that science can explain. A tougher miracle is how we think, how we process emotions and how we use that process to make decisions. That, I do not understand. It’s amazing, and confusing,  to see the things we do.

But that ability to think and process emotions hit us back, like one of our friends who accidentally spill acid on us (too much science today in this post huh?), and makes us burn. That burn just hurts so much more because you never expected it, you never thought that our own parts, the things closest to us can hurt us. For that moment in time, I understand why some people want no part of feelings. They just try to prevent something that will inevitably happen, as if they can see the future and decide to avoid it.

The great thing about wound though, is that they often heal. Yes, there will be scars. Yes, there will be that unpleasant taste in your mouth and in your gut that reminds you every winter day that it was there. Yes, when you see all the things you become so close, the places you have walked through and the moments that you have cherished, your heart will sink, and your emotions will fly around keeping your brain from falling asleep. But wounds heal. You don’t know how long it will take to heal, but it will heal.

I promise yours will heal too, if you gotten hurt. When it does, I hope nothing but the best, nothing but for you to be happy, to fulfill all that potential in you. You’re going to be great! Amazing! I believe in you so much, no matter what!

As for me, I just need to rip the bandage and stop asking why we do the things we do. I just need to accept it, and move on.

Always easier said than done, I know right?

                                                                                                                                       Nothing but love,

                                                                                                                                       Denny