Day 45: The Silence

I’m going to sound like a pathetic loser who seem to blame shit that is other than himself. Trust me, I blame myself everyday, and tell myself I’m stupid ten times more than the amount of pizza you’d had in the past year, and some of you probably had quite a few pizzas. Again, I know I’m not perfect, and I also fucking know every insult you’ve got against me, and probably used it so much against myself that I don’t care if you actually insult me.

I don’t know about you, but silence is the worst thing on Earth that can happen to me. Yet, I love my own silence, I want everyone and everything to be quiet, until there’s just me, my heartbeats, my breath and the buzzing sound in my ears. I like being alone, surrounded by my own company, free to roam through whatever is in my mind without having to put up a front. It’s a blessing, in my opinion, that I like the stillness.

But it’s a curse. It’s definitely a fucking curse, since that blessing turns me into someone who actively seek silence. Sometimes, I wonder how I am if I can just be a little social. You know, like smile and say hi to people, tell a joke or two, ask them how they’re doing, high five, go to party, keep a conversation going, dab, etc… (Actually, scratch that last one, I would never want to dab!). You know, things that a normal human supposed to do, yet I can’t. I don’t even want to. I don’t want to have a squad. I don’t want to go out and party every weekend or so. I don’t want to talk to people in my classes. I literally see and interact with three other human beings a day, probably on one of the good day. I don’t even talk much anymore.

I have enjoyed silence so much that I’ve lost my voice.

And others’ too.

I’m scared, sometimes, when I think about my life if I don’t talk about things, not because I can’t, but I don’t want to. That the only sound I will hear would be me, my heartbeats, my breath and the buzzing sound in my ears.

And then sometimes I still think that’s still too loud…

                                                                                                                                       Denny,