Day 60: Chasing my own mind

I have a confession. I stopped writing, anything really. I apologized to anyone who cared about me that followed this blog. It’s not that I have nothing to say, you see, but I’m just afraid that writing will make me fall into a downward spiral of thoughts again. You read through the posts in this website and you have to sometimes wondering if I’m even a sane person, or I am a sociopath waiting to happen. I know I wonder the same thing too.

I’m writing right now, because I know it’s not going to pull me into some dark, twisty thoughts. I know this, because there’s really not much dark and twisty about my life anymore, and I want to share it with you.

Chemical Engineering is a hard major. In that major, Transport of Fluid Dynamics is one of the hardest classes I have ever taken. The average test of my class was around 45%, which was pretty high compared to previous years. Pretty much everyone was freaking out about the final exam.

I remember it was on a Friday afternoon, the absolute last time slot during the annual finals week. I saw people coming in with a folder as big as our textbooks, and their faces almost buried into the pages. I was looking at myself, holding a standard 5 page formula sheets, 2 page of notes, a calculator and a can of green tea. I walked up the aisle of the lecture hall and someone hit me with the: “Are you ready?”

“I don’t have a choice, do I?”

I sat down on the seat. I set up my sheets and my drink on the empty seat next to mine. I could have stared at my notes, or my formula sheets, to grasp as much knowledge as possible. That would have been normal. But I didn’t. I put my earphones on, and closed my eyes. My mind ran empty of chemical engineering knowledge. There was no numbers, no formulas, no drawings, no notes, nothing. I sat there for seemingly forever, with only one thoughts running through.

“I’m brilliant”

“I’m brilliant”

“I’m fucking brilliant”

And I started the test, just like that.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

I should probably acknowledge that I know how full of myself this all sounds. I know it sounds arrogant and cocky, way more arrogant and cocky that someone who hasn’t achieved anything should be. I know some of you are cringing, and I would too, if I don’t believe in myself so much. Maybe I should be more down to earth. Maybe, but then I wouldn’t be where I am, and I am extremely happy to be where I am. The thing was, I wasn’t born with any extraordinary gifts. Sure, I was lucky that my family made enough for me to never go hungry, that I can walk, breath and learn normally, but I’m not physically gifted, nor mentally gifted, and I’m definitely not enjoying financial or cultural privilege. All I have is myself, and I need to be better than other people to belong here.

So I worked. Hard. Enough so I can say I’m brilliant.

Because I know I am. I need to be.

I’m one of arrogant people you know regarding school and test and my career. I’m truly good at what I do. I know what I can do when I put my mind in it. The thing is, I know everyone can be good at anything when they put their minds in it, but not many people believe in themselves enough to truly put their minds in it. I truly think that tricking your mind into believing in itself is the fastest way to get to where you want to be. This phenomenon is called “Self-fulfilling Prophecy”. If you believe you’re the best in your class, then you work your ass off to fulfill that expectation, which in turn fuel your belief, which in turn influence how hard you work. Eventually, you will get to your belief. It might take time, but it will.

This is how I’ve been getting better. This is how you haven’t seen me fall back to my darkness. Although my confidence in my academic ability still trumps all other aspects of my life, I have learned to apply the same beliefs in everything that I do. Physically, mentally and emotionally, I believe that I’m okay. I still struggle with food some days. I still struggle with my sense of belonging. I still struggle with my emotions. I still struggle with my interactions with people. But I choose to believe in myself now, and I have to think that eventually, I will get to where I believe I can get to. I have come so far now, and I’m proud of myself.

I am healthy, fit and attractive.

I am secure, with being with myself or in the presence of others.

I am competent.

I am okay.

I am brilliant.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

For what it’s worth, I got the highest grade on that final. I got the highest grade in the class, and needless to say, one of the five As that were given in total. I have finished a psychology minor and four classes away from graduating if I choose to. I got a 4.0 GPA last semester, and a 3.85 GPA total.

3.85.

In Chemical Engineering.

And it will go up.

I will get to med school.

I will become a neurosurgeon.

I am the best in my class.

Yeah, I’m that good.

Let’s go!

                                                                                                                                       Best,

                                                                                                                                       Denny