Day 58

Dear Abigail,

Okay, first of all, Happy Very Belated Birthday! I knew your birthday has passed but now is the only time I can feel refreshed and peaceful enough inside to really, sincerely wish you a happy birthday. I hope you have a great year ahead of you, and a great life for that matter.

No, it’s not a goodbye letter, so stop your tears.

I’m just writing this to say that I’m sorry.

I really am.

I’ve been terrible, and you deserve better than that.

Trust me, our friendship has been very much on my mind, and sometimes it’s not always a bright outlook. There was time when I did think about cutting this off, that everything was too overwhelming to keep up. I’m a very blunt guy, so let’s say it.

We were never really meant to be friends.

If I can draft someone that I’d have as a friend, that person would almost look like the opposite of you. Maybe an Asian guy or gal who would be studying the same thing I do and have the same interest and stay in with me and play fantasy football and discuss quantum theories. Okay, no, I don’t discuss quantum theories in my free time, but you get the point. I was talking with you because it’s fun and I’ll forever be grateful that you were taking care of my girl at the time. It was the right thing to do.

I never thought it would last.

I’m still not sure. Even now.

Abby, you’re just… you’re just wild. And crazy. And beautiful. And a perfect storm that I can’t really endure for a long period of time. That’s not personal, and I know I kept saying that, but it’s really not. It’s who I am as a person. It does really take a lot from me to be in your storm. But you know how there are people in the Midwest who would run right into that storm, to come up with a picture so alive, and so refreshing that the risk is worth taking? Maybe I need to do that. Maybe I need to stop everything and let myself go into the storm. Besides, I guess we do need each other. You need me to stop you from flying too close to the sun (not that my opinions have stopped you before), and without someone like you? Well, I will never ever leave the ground.

I’m sorry, because I have truly been horrible. I can’t look straight in your face and tell you “I love you”, because those three words just don’t ever seem to leave my mouth. They are too much, too heavy and too vulnerable for me. I don’t know if I can say it unless I’m absolutely sure that I do. And I’m sorry, for not being able to say it back every time you hug me and whisper it in my ear.

I pride myself on being a good friend – the type of friend you can run to and say everything, the type of friend you can rely on, the type of friend that you can drink wine in the basement with, the type of friend that you can drink vodka at the club with. I still think I am, but at some point, I guess I wasn’t. At some point, I guess I didn’t try as hard. Maybe it was my classes become busy. Maybe it was my life become boring. Maybe it was the distance. Maybe it was just me. Whatever it was, it shouldn’t be an excuse. Frankly, I guess I am as disappointed in myself as you are in me. We all want to be good people, but sometimes, we can turn indifferent. I’m sorry for that.

I can’t guarantee anything, Abb. I just can’t. Not with you, not with anyone. Let’s not put our expectation too high for this, as we might break. But I’m trying now, I promise. I’m going to be better. For you. For my friends. For me.

I’m here for you.

Always.

                                                                                                                                       Yours,

                                                                                                                                       Denny