Day 20: Chasing the shadow

“Learn to appreciate what you have, before time forces you to appreciate what you had”

Sorry readers, I know I haven’t been active in a very long time. Senioritis has hit me hard. There were times when I realized I have to write something down, my feelings, my emotions and my thoughts, but laziness has conquered my life. I finished my term paper before Spring break, so I figure I don’t have much in the way of schoolwork anymore. Thus, I decide to give it another shot at writing. So here we go.

Anyways, there are exactly 59 days until graduation. As exciting as that sounds (yes, I do want a fresh start in college), I can never understand the fiery desire of some to get the hell out of high school. College, after all, represents the unknown, the uncertainty, though many people are way more optimistic than they should be. Maybe it’s just me though. Maybe it’s me who is afraid of the uncertainty of meeting new people. My brain sometimes feels exhausted trying to understand the familiar people around me, and now I’m going to have to force it to comprehend new social environment. I mean, I can handle the academic part of college, just maybe not the social aspect of it.

So, you know the previous posts, those where I whine about people who hurt me? The two people I thought was my friends? Well, yeah, good news, I have been able to make up with them, to a certain extent. I also know that I can’t keep trying to be their friends anymore. Part of it because I know it’s not going to happen overnight, but the more important part of it is because I know I don’t need to keep looking for a place to belong. It turns out I already have one.

Life is funny. Have you ever try to chase your shadow in the morning when you were young? You never caught it, didn’t you? You tried and you tried and you tried again, but no matter how sudden you jumped to get it, the shadow was always faster than you. Exhausted and defeated, you thought you will never touch your shadow, only to realize your shadow actually comes to you when noon hits. Sometimes you spend your energy chasing something, without knowing that you already have it. I only realize that I should stop chasing that something, or someone else, when it hits me that I only have more than two month left here.

I’m trying more than ever to enjoy what I have right here, right now. Other things can, and should, take care of itself. It’s been a pleasant ride for me this year, and my best friends, no, my family, is what keeps me going each day. They push me, they make me compete, they bring out the best version of me, the version that no one can imagine. Yes, I can be a cocky annoying ass, but more than that, I can be someone who’s loving and who’s love.

I guess we all wander, looking for something we already have.

Warmest love,